"Here's my heart, oh, take and seal it"

Oh, the journeys we take in life. The things we learn, the things we forget. The things we learn again, and promise to remember this time. The mistakes we make, the heartache and pain we feel. The joy we find when we look beyond ourselves.

Part of me has held onto a fear that this time will be like the last time, and the time before that. That the conviction and faith of today will dissolve at the first real test, or the second, or the third, like it always has in the past. It seems like I've been here before, wanting to know my Savior and living my life with that goal in mind, but I lost that heart every time. What's to stop it from happening again?

What the Spirit whispers to me in the midst of my fear is this: "You were never truly converted before. But you are now. You know this. Cling to it and let not your faith be shaken by tempests without or within." And I trust him. Maybe that voice that whispers doubt isn't even mine anymore. Satan is an excellent liar. I hear thoughts in my head that sound like mine and I assume they must originate with me. But sometimes they don't. Sometimes I need to give myself more credit.

Because I do know, don't I? That this time is different from all the others because this time I came to Jesus shattered into a million pieces that no amount of tape or glue could hope to repair. This time I was ready to let Him enter into all the rooms in my heart and mind I'd kept locked away before. This time I rejoice when I face the pain of acknowledging what I am, because I know it means Christ is changing me. He's not just putting me back together, He's building something new. I can see it, and I can feel it, and I can trust it.

Some of the same things are still hard for me. They don't come from deep brokenness or insidious lies I believe about myself and my God. They're simply human weakness, and with effort and God's grace I will overcome them. I believe that, because my heart is not my own anymore. I want my life to match. Little by little, day by day, the dramatic changes within my heart are manifesting outwardly.

I know it will take time to be the kind of person I want to be in more than just intent. I have a lot to unlearn still, and much yet to learn. I'm just grateful to have a Savior leading me through it all. And I'm grateful my Lord can use my years of rebellion to draw me even closer in the end.

I know Jesus Christ is the Savior and Redeemer of mankind. He is MY Savior. I know He lives, and loves me. And I know His grace is sufficient even for me. I am not alone. I am not worthless. I am a precious child of God. We all are. YOU are. You are loved, cherished, valued beyond measure. No matter how dark your path may seem, you are not forsaken. Jesus is waiting with open arms and healing hands. Come unto Him and be made whole. I promise it is worth it.